56 April Fools’ Day jokes from comedians and commentators

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If we ever needed a laugh, it’s now. Coronavirus pandemic or not, we couldn’t let April Fools’ Day go by without an annual roundup, so The Post asked comedians and commentators — well known or not — to hit us with their best jokes, funny bits and tweets. Here are some 50 odd jokes (some …

If we ever needed a laugh, it’s now. Coronavirus pandemic or not, we couldn’t let April Fools’ Day go by without an annual roundup, so The Post asked comedians and commentators — well known or not — to hit us with their best jokes, funny bits and tweets.

Here are some 50 odd jokes (some odder than others) that we hope will give you some laughs.

“Self-quarantine? Social distancing? I remember a time when these happened because you talked too much about ‘Star Trek.’ ” — Matt Weinhold

“My boyfriend went out and bought sherry and port because apparently he plans on quarantining as Frasier.” — Kayt Hester

“I don’t care for the way Lyft talks to me. I don’t like Lyft’s tone in its text updates. It’s always talking to me like it’s my Guido boyfriend from Staten Island. ‘Be ready outside. Anthony is two blocks away.’ ” — Joe DeRosa

“Thank you Coronavirus-I have no idea who Pete Davidson is dating.” — Chris Franjola

“My exhibitionist brother is very kind. He’d give you the shirt off his back.” — Stewart Francis

“There’s no way I could handle self-quarantining without my girlfriend, because this is her place.” — Aaron Ring

“Do you know how you know dating is more fun than being married? People who date don’t have married night.” — Carmen Lynch

“My mom will say things like, ‘Kate, I think it’s really sad when women your age hookup with these loser guys who just leave.’ And I’m like, ‘Mom I think it’s better than the days when women hooked up with loser guys who just … stayed.’ ” — Kate Willett

“Dating a 19-year-old is like owning a gun in New York. It’s technically legal, but you can’t bring it anywhere.” — Samantha Ruddy

“Years ago, when I was the opening act for Bob Hope, one of the jokes in his act always made me laugh: ‘Two cowboys tied up their horses and walked into a bar. After having a few too many, one guy gets up and heads to the men’s room. The other decides to leave, but before riding home, he decides to pull a joke on his buddy and proceeds to put the guy’s saddle backwards on his horse. He rides off, cackling . . . A couple days later, he was worried because he hadn’t heard from his pal, so he phoned him. ‘You alright?’ ‘Yeah, but the other night after we’d gone drinkin’, some jerk played a trick on me and cut my horse’s head off. If I hadn’t held my finger over his windpipe, we’d a NEVER made it home.” — Jeff Dunham

“ ’BILL COSBY LOSES APPEAL’ – Well, he is getting older” — Mike Scully

“I’m actually not looking forward to my wife having the baby. I hate meeting new people” — Michael Martin

“I love having in-laws. They’re just new relatives in my life who have no idea how embarrassing I used to be in the past.” — Josh Gondelman

“My mom loved butter. First words out of her mouth at a restaurant, ‘Could we get some extra butter, please?’ Maître d’ answers, ‘Let us seat your party first, ma’am.’ ” — Louie Anderson

“I’m 5-foot-9, 216 pounds — with a lisp, which is really embarrassing to say till you realize those things describe me and former heavyweight champion Iron Mike Tyson.” — Josh Florhaug

“O’Reilly was late to his daughter’s wedding. He started to pray, ‘Lord, let me find a free, open parking spot in front of the church, so I can make my daughter’s wedding. If you get me a free, open spot in front of the church, I’ll never touch another drop of whiskey, and I’ll come to mass every Sunday for the rest of my life.’ He turned the corner, and in front of the church was a beautiful, free, open parking spot. O’Reilly looked up and said, ‘Never mind, Lord, I found one myself.’ ” — Fred Willard (original joke teller unknown)

“What day do donkeys play tricks on each other? April Mule’s Day.” — Gilbert Gottfried

“In an episode of ‘The Dick Van Dyke Show,’ which is one of the things in the world I am most grateful for, Rob and his best friend, Jerry, are mad at each other. Jerry’s wool jacket has gotten wet, and it smells. Rob says, ‘How do sheep stand each other in the rainy season?’ ” — Paula Poundstone

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my cousin. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” — Regina Hall

“For me, the hottest thing about a woman is consent. I can’t believe they actually want to have sex with me. I still remember my first kiss. The girl leaned in to kiss me and I got so nervous I said, ‘You don’t have to,’ and she said, ‘I want to.’ Double consent! Hottest moment of my life.” — Dan Black

“I didn’t understand why everyone was hoarding toilet paper, but if you dip it in salsa, it’s not that bad.” — Megan Neuringer

“The oddest script I ever wrote was a porn movie where the entire cast were Hasidic Jews. Really unusual, especially the orgy scene, because the men were on one side of the room and the women were on the other.” — Alan Zweibel

“If you wanna be happily married, don’t argue. Why do you think old men mumble?” — Billy Gardell

“I had my kid later in life. I can’t believe I had him biologically. But we’re raising him adopted, because I want him to feel chosen.” — Ophira Eisenberg

“There’s a rumor that NBA legend, and my childhood hero, Dikembe Mutombo, would pick up girls in crowded bars by yelling, ‘Who wants to sex Mutombo?’ But in 2020, we need to reflect on our heroes and their behavior, and I think it’s really important to note… way to get consent, Dikembe!” — Danny Jolles

“Even after being trapped at home every single moment together, I am 100-percent certain when this quarantine ends, the first thing my girlfriend is going to tell me is that we ‘never spend any quality time together.’ ” — Christian Polanco

“When you’re pregnant but not married, you can have a little more fun at the doctor’s office. The last time my boyfriend and I were there, the nurse said, ‘Oh! It looks like someone swallowed watermelon seeds.’ I said, ‘Nobody swallowed anything, Deborah. That’s why we’re here.” — Sarah Tiana

“What do you call the babies conceived under the ‘stay-at-home’ order when they’re in high school? Quaranteens!” — Pat Kiernan

“My goals are getting more attainable as I get older. I used to say, ‘When I make it, I’ll have a beautiful house in Malibu overlooking the ocean,’ and now I say, ‘When I make it, I’m gonna get a headboard.’ ” — Erica Rhodes

“I’m actually happier than I’ve been in a long time, but I’m worried that that’s a symptom.” — Aaron Ring

“Just found out there’s a pro golfer named Duffy Waldorf and I’m now officially calling for class warfare.” — Christian Finnegan

“According to every interaction I’ve ever had, everyone has a friend who has just gotten back from Japan or is dying to go.” — Atsuko Okatsuka

“The biggest way I know I’m getting older is that I can no longer tell if someone is beautiful, or just 25.” — DeAnne Smith

“Do you ever look around your life and think, ‘Uh-oh. This isn’t temporary. This may in fact be who I am.’ ” — Maria Bamford

“I like when I order something at a restaurant, get warned by the server that it might be too spicy, ordering it anyway, then finding out they were right.” — Todd Barry

“Feels like now that we’re quarantined, the Peloton commercial husband actually gave a thoughtful gift.” — Julius Sharpe

“I like to do the Irish hello, which is where you don’t even show up to the party.” — Myq Kaplan

“Yo’ momma’s so stupid, she dismantled the pandemic response team in April of 2018.” — George Wallace (courtesy of Doug Benson)

“My cat tried to wake me up at 4 a.m. to be fed. Like, ‘Girl, we are doing intermittent fasting as a HOUSEHOLD.” — Cherith Fuller

“I don’t need 24-Hour Fitness. I need Three Weeks Before My High School Reunion Fitness.” — Grant Lyon

“Why wasn’t Cats in the In Memoriam section? #Oscars” — Sarah O’Connell

“Rob Gronkowski is in negotiations to join the WWE [World Wrestling Entertainment]. In fact, right now he’s in negotiations for less words in the contract.” — David Spade

“It’s tough to find the balance between being a gentleman and a feminist. When the check comes, I say, ‘Let’s split this and if we sleep together, I’ll refund you.’ ” — Sugar Sammy

“I’m on Weight Watchers. I downloaded the app, and it counts the points for me. The problem is I lie on it. The other day, I had a pint of ice cream and wrote down one baby carrot.” — Jessica Kirson

“Here’s your rent. April Fools’!”— Bridget Everett

“Stuck wearing same clothes, eating same leftovers, dusting same dust. It’s so lousy at home that soon I’ll go down to the riverbed and wash everything on a big rock. It’ll be OK for my pajamas but might beat the hell out of the dishes.” — Cindy Adams

“Men are having a hard time social distancing because they’ve lied so much about their height, they don’t actually know what 6 feet looks like.” — Marcella Arguello (courtesy of Laurie Kilmartin)

“Just listened to a podcast that was 2 hours and 37 minutes, which is not that atypical. Why is it that the attention span in America is either 10 seconds or 3 hours?” — Bill Maher

“We are Americans, and we will recover from this economic disaster. What we won’t recover from is the being-stuck-with-our-families-24/7 disaster.” — Rob Schneider

“The Ten Commandments are clearly the most important ones in the Bible. We know this because they’re the only ones that were turned into a movie.” — Ashley Blaker

“These chaotic times made me more certain that I am one step closer to getting a brick thrown through my window and then going outside to investigate in a kimono.” — Carey O’Donnell

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall

“If you told me 30 years ago that I’d be this boring, stay-at-home house dad, and Bill Cosby would be in jail, even I would’ve took that bet.” — Eddie Murphy on “SNL”

“Alec’s true passion has always been the theater. Alec loves to hit the stage, because it can’t press charges.” — Sean Hayes at the “Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin”

“Democrats are like condoms to me. I use them because it’s safer, but it doesn’t feel good.” — Michael Che on Weekend Update

“It’s cool that new dads have to wait a full 3 days before their life is completely back to normal.” — Natasha Leggero