The Most Amusing Trial Ever: Jussie Smollett

Smollett's hate-hoax fairy tale revealed how trusting Americans can be when they hear the word 'racist.'

Think about Jussie Smollett's legal team. Imagine them as infantrymen walking through fire on their way to glory, only instead of fire, they've been trudging through a swamp of bulls*** on their way to ridiculousness. While wearing flip-flops, to be precise. Their field commander is a deranged charlatan. The Iwo Jima flag they're trying to raise is the reputation of a moron who thought he'd increase his fame by claiming he was attacked by the world's least likely lynch mob — a pair of black MAGA-heads who just happened to have bleach and a noose on them in case Jussie Smollett happened to stroll by. 2:00 a.m. On a really chilly Chicago evening. Then they went away after 30 seconds without stealing or harming their victim in any manner.

Dave Chappelle's Juicy Smollé may not have been much of an entertainer in his previous life — admit it, you'd never heard of him before January 29, 2019, and that's part of the reason he required Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Buff to stage a fake beating. (Take a look at Abimbola and Olabinjo Osundairo: If they were inclined to beat you up, your injuries would be more than scratches.) If they had truly assaulted Smollett, his face would have resembled Cubist portraiture. They could have Picassoed this man in ten seconds of genuine punching.) Smollett, on the other hand, should be named American Reality Entertainer of the Year for the amusement he has offered us all in Chicago over the last week as he directed his attorneys to fight utter nonsense.

The prosecution built a case that was impenetrable, impenetrable, and as smooth as an egg. So, what did Jussie Smollett's team do? They complained that the judge had "snarled" and "lunged" at them, and that the case should be dismissed. "I only growl when my bushwa detector goes out like a Geiger meter at Chernobyl," the judge said, "and I can't very well 'lunge' when I'm seated at this desk." The defense counsel requested a directed not-guilty finding, which was as wonderful as learning an eighth-grader had written Emily Ratajkowski with a sincere marriage proposal. Smollett's representative, who was asked to testify on his behalf, stated that a star whose earning potential was based on his looks would not want to go through any procedure that may permanently destroy that face. Just so! cried America. A doctor testified (also for Smollett’s side!) that the injuries were not traumatic.

As for the Smollett pals testifying against him, they produced a $3,500 check Jussie had written them as advance payment, because the ringmaster of this flea circus was too dumb to understand that cash is the preferred payment method when doing stuff you don’t want others to find out about. Smollett’s lawyers’ explanation? That was merely for nutritional tips. The supposed nutritional-advisory siblings said no one had ever paid them more than $100 for such advice before.

Exchange conspiratorial-sounding messages with co-conspirators who will be masquerading as your assailants, such as the one Smollett wrote to Abimbola Osundairo a few days before the attack: "Might need your help on the low?" The Osundairos used a ride-share service and a cab to get to the scene of the phony attack, but they arrived early, according to prosecutors. On a security camera, they can be seen patiently waiting for their companion play-actor to come on a bench. Smollett informed the brothers through Instagram that the attack, which had been scheduled for 10 p.m., would have to be postponed for a few hours due to a flight delay out of LaGuardia. (In the thieves' catechism, right after "never use cash," the next phrase is "Never expect a LaGuardia flight will be on time.")

The defense sought to divert attention away from the criminal firearms discovered in the Osundairos' house and Olabinjo Osundairo's social media posts, in which he used forbidden phrases like "fruity" and "Gaylord." Olabinjo worked at a homosexual nightclub and both brothers marched in a gay pride parade (in costume as bare-chested Trojan warriors). The defense threw discrepancies in every direction, claiming that Abimbola Osundairo was both a) homophobic and b) Smollett's previous boyfriend at separate occasions. Abimbola vehemently rejected the allegations, however he did admit that he and Smollett used to frequent a homosexual bathhouse regularly, as chums do.

Framing the attack as a homophobic incident raises extra issues that Smollett is unable to answer: Why didn't the brothers travel to the LGBT area where one of them worked if they wanted to assault a random gay person and had an irresistible 2 a.m. impulse to do so? Why would you stay up till 2 a.m. on a freezing cold night expecting to see a homosexual black gentleman passing by? How could they have been so certain that Smollett was going to walk into their path that they planned in advance by bringing a noose and filling a hot-sauce container with bleach if they merely despised Smollett?

Why does security video show Smollett picking up the Hans and Franz of the Midwest in his Mercedes on Sunday morning, right before the incident late Monday/early Tuesday, and driving past the "attack area" many times? According to Team Jussie, this was not a ruse. This was, in fact, an attack. He was assaulted on two occasions! He just forgot about the first attack until now, leaving it up to the jury to figure out how "picking folks up in my car" translates to "attack."

Smollett’s hate-hoax fairy tale about a little red riding hood who just happened to be attacked by two racist wolves while carrying his basket of Subway goodies did expose how gullible Americans can be when you yell “racism.” Cory Booker called it a “vicious attack” and “an attempted modern-day lynching.” Kamala Harris used much the same language, again in declarative terms that indicated no room for doubt. Donald Trump, pretending he had some kind of inside info, said, “I can tell you that it’s horrible. It doesn’t get worse.” In reality, the case looked sketchy from the start as I pointed out a couple of days afterward. The opportunity to leverage the attack for the purposes of appearing sympathetic/understanding/outraged far outweighed any concern with being correct. Everyone who thought he could extract some value from Smollett’s preposterous story just went with it. What’s not to believe in a case like this? As Smollett told ABC’s Robin Roberts in an ill-advised interview, “Listen, if I tell the truth then that’s it, ’cause it’s the truth.’” In other words, I’m not lying because I’m not!

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