Frances McDormand’s newest premieres at Telluride drive-in

Recently was the Telluride Film Festival, to which practically nobody came. The thing had to come to you. Makeshift drive-in for “Nomadland,” a modern road picture thing with Frances McDormand. McDormand, under a mask, inside a golf cart, fires burning in the distance, yelled: “Get your Kleenex out. Have hamburgers and milkshakes at our sanitized …

Recently was the Telluride Film Festival, to which practically nobody came. The thing had to come to you. Makeshift drive-in for “Nomadland,” a modern road picture thing with Frances McDormand.

McDormand, under a mask, inside a golf cart, fires burning in the distance, yelled: “Get your Kleenex out. Have hamburgers and milkshakes at our sanitized food stand. Honk horns, blink your lights. Hold your cellphone up like a lighter at a rock concert.” Who applauds at a drive-in? So, for Frances they honked and flashed headlights.

It’s how New York Film Festival and October’s Hamptons festival will do it later this month. But if you have a crappy car, stay home and watch “Golden Girls.”

Thriller spotlights racism

Lionsgate’s “Antebellum” comes Friday. First-time directors. One black. One white. Slavery, rape, racism. Brutal, bloody, tough. Janelle Monáe: “This reminds us what’s at stake if we don’t make changes.” Also in it, Gabourey Sidibe, who says this outside it: “I don’t suffer foolish men. I adopted this idea to be really mean to them. That’s how I got a boyfriend. And I bring that into business meetings I go on.” Forget that the flick’s tough — watch out for Gabourey.

More. Laura Dern, Focus Features, ex-White House fotog Pete Souza launching #VoteTheWayYouSeeIt, a campaign encouraging us to vote in November … Kathie Lee Gifford wrote, produced and is in “Then Came You” plays a widow on a world trip — with her husband’s ashes — to visit loved places. A Scotland innkeeper changes her life, etc., etc. Our old friend’s doing a virtual one-day press day Wednesday.

GOP anomaly

Keene, New Hampshire’s Republican primary. A transgender Satanic libertarian, self-described as a “she-male anarchist” who believes everything should be legal, filed to run for county sheriff. In that thriving, congested, overpopulated town of maybe six Keeners, none other raced for the job.

Per the local newspaper: “New Hampshire’s first trans, anarchist, satanic candidate says she’s not getting Republican support. Aria DiMezzo’s campaign slogan is ‘F–k the police.’ Unopposed in the primary, she’ll square off with incumbent Democrat Eli Rivera.”

Marilyn Huston, the county’s GOP chair, called DiMezzo “he” despite the candidate identifying as a woman, and was quoted in the newspaper saying: “He did very well with the primary.”

And you think Washington’s got problems?!

Castle life update

“Downton Abbey” was filmed at 1679’s nice little pile of stone built for the then Earl of Carnarvon. Highclere Castle, in Hampshire, 90 minutes outside London, has 5,000 acres, 300 rooms, dogs, horses, parks, chefs, valets, footmen, Gainsborough oils and armor standing around. No Motel 6. A visitor’s fairy tale, Her Ladyship Fiona, 8th Countess of Carnarvon, told me, “The castle is haunted.”

Queen Elizabeth, mum Queen Mary, dad King George, hubby Prince Philip plus crowns back to when equerries actually wore that armor have stayed. A World Heritage Middle Ages fortress and prime visitors attraction, Lady Fiona said how they’re doing during CV: “Shock. Our world upended. We miss Americans who always visit here. Nobody’s overnighting. We only see locals. English visitors stay at a pub. We made boxes to keep for take-away. It’s cut-up little food with whatever ingredients we could get. As you know, we’ve served, and I’ve done books on feasts, orange-spiced scones, mulled wine, thick soups, recipes and those luscious meals crowned heads have enjoyed here. Whatever we do now is nothing like it was.

“I’ve since bought wooden garden tables. With our giant outdoor space we’ll scatter them, although visitors now just come for afternoon tea. It’s been catastrophic.”

This city’s so violent, Red Berets asked the Statue of Liberty to please put her arm down.

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.