An alternate Chinese virus sports programming reality

Anyone hear anything about a virus going around? Desperate times, desperate measures, desperate sports columnist. Alternative TV and radio pandemic programming and executive decisions: I’m particularly excited by the new MLB program on Fox, “We Pick It Up In The Seventh,” which will show the endings of World Series games that ended far too late …

Anyone hear anything about a virus going around?

Desperate times, desperate measures, desperate sports columnist. Alternative TV and radio pandemic programming and executive decisions:

I’m particularly excited by the new MLB program on Fox, “We Pick It Up In The Seventh,” which will show the endings of World Series games that ended far too late for most to have seen. Among the in-studio guests who never saw the ends will be Rob Manfred.

Starting today, CBS begins its “Woods Watch.” Every 15 minutes Jim Nantz will appear to provide Tiger Woods’ blood pressure, heart rate, external and internal body temperature, and the latest on whether he coughed, sniffled or blew his nose.

ESPN will now have Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser co-host “Pardon the Spit Mask.”

If this thing lasts much longer, YES will be forced to show a couple of “Classics” in which the Yankees lose.

CBS will remake its old prime-time favorite, renamed “The Dukes of Hazardous Material.”

Stretched for events, Draft Kings now will take action on cock fighting. This weekend’s big fight comes from Yankee Go Home Stadium in Nicaragua, where the 8-to-5 favorite and champ, “Poultry In Motion” Rojo, risks it all to the “Balkan Blaster,” Chicken Kiev.

In a reprise of sharing their geopolitical expertise and reassuring post-9/11 attacks radio work, Mike Francesa and Chris Russo will be reunited on WFAN, where they will blame the coronavirus on Chinese Jews. WFAN will lose the tape.

Roger Goodell and the NFL will double down on PSLs and now sell must-buy Personal Sneeze Licenses.

ESPN’s “First Take,” Monday will assign Stephen A. Smith and Max Kellerman to hold a heated debate on who was more affected by the pandemic, the Toronto Raptors or the Memphis Grizzlies.

In order to maintain “social distance” with opposing players and the Mets’ first-base coach, Robinson Cano no longer will run to first base.

The Annual Diet Ginger Ale Festival in Lambertville, N.J., this year will be limited to the first 25,000 visitors.

ESPN2 will air Texas Hold ’Em poker tournaments played in hazmat suits. All players, as well as the dealer, will be “all in” from the start.

Emergency News Conference Lookalikes: Svengoolie, played by Rich Koz, host of MeTV’s Saturday night old sci-fi movies, and Mayor de Blasio’s signer for the deaf and hearing impaired, Jonathan Lamberton.

Jonathan Lamberton and Rich Koz as SvengoolieTaidgh Barron, WireImage

Trump University graduation ceremonies, to still be held, but moved to Madoff Field House on the campus of Huxley College.

Steiner Collectibles will soon sell limited-edition copies of big-league players’ coronavirus test results. Copies of positive tests will cost more.

With medical centers drawing blood throughout the nation, Ray Lewis will appear weekly on the NFL Network to explain the best way to bleach out — or throw out — those stubborn plasma stains from your finest clothing.

Tony Romo, at a wildly illogical $180 million for 10 years from CBS, the NFL this season will play a full schedule, this year — even if it’s in his backyard.

Given that all-knowing Jay Bilas knew in advance who would win the NCAA Tournament, he’ll declare the winner Wednesday night on ESPN.

“Hilarity ensues when Mrs. Howell discovers The Skipper has been hoarding toilet paper on the Minnow during this week’s episode of “The New Gilligan’s Island.”

Starting Monday, Jim Dolan will stay sharp by inviting a few strangers into the Garden, no charge, just so he can throw them out.

Modesty prevents Francesa from admitting that the Pentagon has been flying him to Atlanta to provide his expertise in immunology (Francesa has several BS degrees) to the CDC. “I’m close to the cure, but want no credit,” he has told colleagues.

No NCAA Tournament? Darn! That means none of those annually unfunny, strained, run-up-interest-debt Capital One “What’s In You Wallet” credit card commercials starring Charles Barkley, Samuel L. Jackson and blank-staring, adds-nothing Spike Lee.

With Nike sweatshop plants closed in China, Colin “Comrade” Kaepernick has been working on a new hit single, “Will You Still Love Me, to Mao?”

This just in: April has been canceled. In two weeks, we’ll pick it up, again, with May. Hey, trying to make a living and doing the best I can …

Shofner was runaway hero for young Giants fan

As A 9-year-old left to his own sports and musical tastes, 1961 was my Year of Del S.: Del Shofner, the Giants wide receiver, and Del Shannon, who sang the No. 1 hit, “Runaway.”

Shannon committed suicide in 1990. Shofner died last week, making it to the number he wore with the Giants, 85.

For three seasons, Y.A. Tittle to Shofner was as special as any NFL pass-catch team this city has enjoyed. As a seasonal Yankee Stadium battery, they were Whitey Ford to Yogi Berra.

Before the NFL emphasized speed from WRs as well as hands, Shofner, all arms and legs — despite playing halfback at Baylor and a season as a DB and another as a punter with the Rams — had both.

Tittle would float one down the sidelines, Shofner would run under it and that was that. One didn’t tackle Shofner from behind.


Politicians give politicians and politics a bad name.

After New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie shut down the beaches on Fourth of July weekend in 2017 due to a budget impasse, he took family and friends to lounge on a state beach that was otherwise deserted — on his orders.

Mayor Bill de Blasio this week warned against leaving one’s home for nonessential purposes, then headed off to work out in his regular Brooklyn gym, presumably empty or close to it — on his orders.

And by a vote of 37-2 — and with nothing better to do — the Florida State Senate declared the Florida State Seminoles the 2020 NCAA basketball champions.

Florida State celebrates winning the ACC regular season title.Getty Images

Such yahoos — the College Sports Yahoo is also the state bird — offer another clue as to why the Florida Division I college sports scene is annually loaded with compromise, functional illiteracy and criminality.


In other virus news:

Channel 4 News, this week, dispatched a reporter to stand outside a closed NYC school to announce that schools will be closed due to the pandemic.

Given that it was Sunday, that school was closed, regardless.

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