Jared Kushner Is Definitely Adding 'Nobel Peace Prize Nominee' to His Résumé

Don’t worry, he’s not actually winning one.

The following is a series of words you probably never expected to see or hear: “Jared Kushner nominated for Nobel Peace Prize.” Even saying it is almost impossible, with the tongue naturally rejecting the formation of such sounds. Kushner, after all, cut his teeth working as a slumlord whose properties are reportedly filled with vermin, maggots, and mold. During his tenure at the White House, he told his father-in-law that the coronavirus wasn’t a “health reality,” reportedly bragged about cutting doctors out of the government’s response, and dismissed the staggering death toll in his hometown as someone else’s problem. One time, he went on TV and declared 58,000 people in the U.S. dead a “great success story.” Another time, he suggested Black people were lazy and unambitious. While trying to broker peace in the Middle East, he called Palestinians “hysterical and stupid.” 

Still, basically anyone can be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize if they know the right person with very few standards, and luckily for the Boy Prince of New Jersey, he does:

Jared Kushner, a former White House adviser under his father-in-law, ex-President Donald Trump, was nominated Sunday for the Nobel Peace Prize by former Trump attorney Alan Dershowitz. Kushner and his deputy, Avi Berkowitz, got the nod for negotiating pacts between Israel and the Arab nations of United Arab Emirates, Bahrain, Sudan, and Morocco, Reuters reported. The normalization agreements, reached in the second half of 2020, have been dubbed the “Abraham Accords.”

Dershowitz, you may recall, is the Harvard law professor who argued during Trump’s first impeachment trial that anything an elected official does in the hopes of being reelected is unimpeachable, if said elected official believes it’s in the national interest. He’s also claimed inciting a violent mob to attack the Capitol wasn’t an impeachable offense. He also famously defended, among others, O.J. Simpson, Jeffrey Epstein, and Harvey Weinstein. In the summer of 2018, he accused Martha’s Vineyard’s elite social set of shunning him over his defense of Trump, likening his lack of options on a Saturday night to actual McCarthyism.

But back to Jared. Though he and Ivanka may be planning a celebratory dinner to toast the news, the reality is that there are basically no barriers to entry for receiving a nod, which would explain why his father-in-law has received two, from far-right Norwegian politician Christian Tybring-Gjedde. As for the “Abraham Accords,” in typical Trump-Kushner fashion, they’re significantly less impressive than the former first son-in-law and his hype woman would have people believe. Per the Guardian:

The deals established formal relations between Israel, the United Arab Emirates, and Bahrain, but they fell short of full peace deals as the three countries already maintain significant informal ties and have not been at war.

The agreements also made little mention of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, which had been the obstacle to diplomatic progress. The committed parties only to “continuing the efforts to achieve a just, comprehensive, and enduring resolution.”

Ah, yes, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, which Kushner spent most of his first two years in the White House trying to figure out only to come up with the breakthrough idea that people should just stop “doing terrorism.” Of the economic plan for peace Kushner unveiled, the reviews from actual Middle East experts included: “the authors of the plan clearly understand nothing” and “leaving aside that this reads like an investment prospectus for a project that an intern conceived of a week ago, literally none of it is actionable…it is the Monty Python sketch of Israeli-Palestinian peace initiatives.”

In a statement, Kushner said he was honored to be nominated for the prize, which will be awarded in October, and though he clearly has no shot, Ivanka will presumably make him press his tux and have a speech prepared just in case.

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