Science is finding that it's harder for women to stay faithful in relationships than it is for men.
"Even if your marriage is good, you still miss that rush of feeling so excited that you can't eat or sleep because you're having such an intense emotional and sexual time with a new person. That's what I kept going after, and I couldn't say no."
This is how Annika*, who is 45 and from Melbourne, talks about cheating, and she's not the only one. Many women in long-term relationships are sexually adventurous and have secret lovers, according to a growing body of research.
The idea that women cheat on their partners because they lose interest in sex is out of date. Science says that women have a harder time being monogamous than men do because they get bored in the bedroom. Some women try to hold back their sexual urges, while others cheat on their partners.
Wednesday Martin, an anthropologist and the author of "Untrue," calls this new research "the great correction." Martin talked to dozens of sociologists, sex researchers, and anthropologists for her book about women who cheat on their partners. She says that the sad, sad picture of the female libido that is often painted is completely wrong. It is alive and well, and it wants to be filled.
"The new research disproves the false ideas that women have lower libidos, are more likely to be monogamous by nature, and find it easier to find a life partner," says Martin. "Women don't like sex less than men, but they get tired of having the same sex over and over again."
Men may have more spontaneous desire, but women are better at responding to or being triggered by desire.
"Spontaneous desire is when you think, "It would be nice to have sex," out of the blue." Martin says, "It hits you like hunger or thirst. "Responsive or triggered desire happens when you're turned on by something that makes you think of sex, like when you're watching or reading something about sex or when your partner starts a sexual encounter. When it comes to that kind of desire, women have just as much libido as men. We've been taught that men are the more sexual sex, but that's not true.
The reasons women cheat
Martin says that it's no longer true that women cheat for emotional reasons and men cheat for sexual ones. She talks about a study from Missouri State University that looked at a group of women who used the Ashley Madison website to cheat on their partners.
"This research blows up some of our most deeply held beliefs about cheating women," says Martin. "These beliefs include that women only cheat when they are unhappy in their marriages, that, unlike men, they cheat for emotional connection rather than sexual gratification, and that women just "fall" into affairs."
"The women who were studied went on the site, made a profile, screened candidates, met them in person, and "auditioned" them. This was done with a lot of thought. They wanted to find someone to sleep with. They said they were in marriages without sex or orgasms, and they just wanted what they couldn't get at home. But most of them were in happy relationships or were married, and having affairs was a way for them to stay in those relationships. So, it's not true that women who cheat are unhappy in their marriages.
In another important study, Dr. Marta Meana at the University of Nevada found that "institutionalization" in a long-term relationship makes women less sexually interested than men. She says that regular sex makes men happier sexually and in their relationships, but it doesn't make women feel the same way.
"Now, sex researchers are open to the idea that women just need more variety and newness in their sexual experiences than men do," says Martin.
Women like Gabriella*, who is 28 and lives in Sydney, have known this for a long time. Gabriella says, "I've had a lot of affairs since my first long-term relationship, which was when I was in college." "I love having sex and I get bored easily, but men see having an affair as a threat to their manhood. They all think that they should be "enough" for me, and when I try to talk about ways to keep my interest going, they act like I'm not "normal." What should "normal" be? A woman who just sits back and puts up with boring sex? Women have been told this story, and it's wrong."
Meredith Chivers, a biopsychologist at Queen's University in Canada, has done more research that busts the myth that women are made for monogamy. Chivers and her team had men and women watch porn while monitors were attached to their bodies to measure their physical reaction and blood flow. This showed how sexually aroused they were. Straight men were most attracted to images of heterosexual sex and of women having sex with other women. However, heterosexual women had a wider range of options on their "arousal menu."
"Women's bodies reacted to men having sex with men, women having sex with women, men and women having sex, and images of an erection. We usually think that everything turns men on, but the truth is that a woman's body responds to more sexual cues.
Looking after lust and libido
So, does a woman's libido that is let loose always lead to cheating? Martin says it doesn't have to. Not if women can be honest with their partners about how they want to try new things sexually. She says that this can help keep long-term relationships from getting boring.
"Women begin to offer service sex. "He wants it, I don't, but I'll do it so we can move on." Then they start to think, "Well, I guess I don't really like sex." "The real reason is that they don't like having sex with the person they've been with for a long time," she says.
Couples can easily start doing something new and fun together, like learning how to kayak or dance. "Couples get the same rush of neurochemicals and hormones as when we fall in love with a puppy. So, you can get that feeling of excitement without leaving your relationship," she says.
"Think about how much better relationships would be if people knew that a woman feeling sexually bored doesn't have to mean the end. Think about how many marriages and relationships would be better if women could talk to their partners about their desire for sexual adventure and help them find solutions that would bring them closer together.
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