John Adams. 1789. First vice president. His bio: “He was reduced to that sorriest of political things — an elder statesman waiting hopefully for people to ask his advice.” Like now?

John Quincy Adams. 1825. Historically, he only won because “none of the other candidates were winning a majority of the votes.” Like now?

Rutherford Hayes. His mudslinging election was (until today) the most bitterly disputed in our history. They poked fun at him. Like now?

Grover Cleveland. He meddled little as possible and just affixed his signature. Like now?

Chester A. Arthur. Judged “highly forgettable,” his ability was held “in low esteem.” Ranking high was his taking care of himself. Like now?

Benjamin Harrison. Standoffish. To protect against infection, he stayed away. A loner. Even wore gloves when shaking hands. Like almost now?

William Henry Harrison. 1841. Too proud to wear an overcoat the freezing morning of his inauguration, he died one month later.

John Tyler. Left his Democratic party for the Whigs. The first president to have a veto overriden by Congress.

Ulysses S. Grant. Called “useless.” Unkempt boozer. Flunked business, farming, real estate. Governed “by neglect.” His second term dirtied by dark doings. Graft, scandal, corruption.

Martin Van Buren. Called “a fox” for his shrewd maneuvering. In the panic of 1837, 343 banks closed and paralyzing depression ensued. Being smooth, he survived.

Zachary Taylor. Never voted in any presidential election. No prior knowledge of the presidential process. “Once in office, he found himself at a total loss.”

James Buchanan. Like everyone today, he rushed out a book. The ponderous title: “Mr. Buchanan’s Administration on the Eve of the Rebellion.”

Don’t forget these guys

Andrew Johnson. His presidency incited an impeachment for “high crimes and misdemeanors.” Its trial dragged on humiliatingly. He escaped by one vote and finished his hopeless term… Warren Harding. Accomplished little. Rampant wrongdoing, highest tariffs in US history, barnacled with scandal, graft… Calvin Coolidge. Conservative. With the Yankee virtue of simplicity and incorruptibility, he said: “There is no right to strike against the public safety by anybody, anywhere, any time”… And let nobody forget to include Thomas Jefferson — whose ideas included the decimal system, which included the pennies which now everybody forgets.

Pols in the stars

An alphabet soup of actors have played Lincoln. Joe Piscopo played Jimmy Carter. Bryan Cranston — LBJ. James Brolin — Reagan. Barry Bostwick — Washington. Sam Waterston — Jefferson. Paul Giamatti — John Adams. Anthony Hopkins — John Quincy Adams. Jon Voight — FDR.

Best role ever

The industry says maybes who could play Trump are Jeff Bridges, John Travolta, Leonardo DiCaprio, Christian Bale, Daniel Day-Lewis, Jon Voight, John Goodman, and Alec Baldwin you’ve seen. For the first lady, Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren — mostly because they play everyone. No tryouts to play Biden, because he hasn’t any lines to say, other than: “Point me to stairs that go to the main floor.”

Hidin’ Biden: Democrats had a little man/His hair was white as snow/And everywhere the candidate went/His caregiver’s sure to go.

Only in America, kids, only in America.