“It’s been so f–king hard,” the new mom, 37, said during the E! show. “I’m trying to keep it together and … I’m about to lose it. I’m about to have a massive breakdown.”

Nikki went on to say that it was difficult seeing her fiancé, Artem Chigvintsev, have fun competing on Dancing With the Stars with Kaitlyn Bristowe while she was “going through so much” on her own.

“It’s not about her and him,” she told Brie, also 37, of her jealous feelings. “Like, I don’t have a fear of Artem going off. That’s not it. It’s wanting what she’s getting from him. Can he come home and laugh with me? Can he come home and ask me how I’m doing? Like, I want to feel wanted and sexy.”

When Brie encouraged her to communicate this to Artem, Nikki said she didn’t want to be “that nagging woman” after pushing him to “fight for his dreams” on the ABC show. The Russia native, 38, and the former Bachelorette, 35, went on to win season 19 in November 2020.

Two months prior to their success, Nikki first opened up about her “dark, deep” battle with postpartum depression in a “Total Bellas Podcast” episode, revealing that she “hated” Chigvintsev at times.

“I’m not gonna lie, I did have moments of being mean,” she told Brie in September 2020. “I did have moments when I looked at him and I hated him. It’s true. There were times I’d look at him and I’m like, ‘I think I hate you.’”

Nikki added at the time: “I was starting to feel invisible. … It just started to build up. Being alone with [our son], Matteo, and just feeling lonely and not loved and invisible.”

The couple, who welcomed their 5-month-old in July 2020, exclusively told Us Weekly in November 2020 about their plans to attend couples therapy. “We’re going to start classes as a couple because we’ve realized that we both feel like we’re not listening to each other,” Nikki explained at the time. “We finally both just said, like, ‘We need to bring someone in to help us so we don’t get [back] into that place.’”

The pair started dating in January 2019 and got engaged in November of that same year during a trip to Paris.

This story originally appeared on: US Magazine - Author:Riley Cardoza