“Besides no income, we’re stuck with financial obligations, signed contracts. To contact them all, it’s telephones, social media, e-mails to stage managers, company managers, theater owners, assistants, box-office personnel, theater employees, backstage personnel.

“Plus canceling productions in work, workshops, rehearsals. Companies are building sets, prepping wardrobe, there’s electricians, printing Playbills, tickets.

“And there’s getting everyone back home. We’re dealing with an army.”

Raising roof down under

Joel Grey’s Yiddish “Fiddler on the Roof” — which now seems to have been around longer than the Torah — was to open October in Australia. Grey was schlepping there for casting.

He phones. “I’m here. My agent called. With Jeff Bridges and John Lithgow, I just got on next season’s new Hulu TV series ‘The Old Man’ — not that this means any of us! It’s about the CIA. We filmed in Pasadena. Based on a really smart book, but I don’t remember the author, it’s about terrible things in this world. I filmed three episodes. But I doubt I’ll be filming more … why? … because they killed me off in the last segment.”

As to Australia: “I’ve sent my assistant and choreographer, who know what I want. Females at auditions were told to wear scarf, blouse and full skirt. One came in full skirt and just a brassiere.”

Fiddling on the Roof?

Zac tries to save the Earth

Zac Efron. After watching his biceps bulge, while he wore a swimsuit in some “Baywatch” thing, he’s back again.

Leading a beach cleanup in San Luis Obispo, Calif. Morro Bay. Which may be whatever’s left in this world. (To tidy the planet, Zac might consider vacuuming Manhattan streets.)
This big-time scrub is for an April 12 special created by Discovery Channel’s Nancy Daniels to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Earth Day.

Great idea. Actually, the whole world needs to be Simonized.

Sunshine state

Palm Beach, Fla., just closed its famous Breakers Hotel. Staffers getting three weeks’ pay. “God’s Waiting Room,” where 8:15 is usually lights out, partied Robin Leacock’s coming 50-minute PBS film “Stella & Co: A Romantic Musical Comedy Documentary About Aging” — to celebrate Mother’s Day.

In it Dan Aykroyd, Run-DMC, Gael Greene and high-class Mellon, Ford and Harriman types.

Canceled was a Red Cross Ball, Christie’s Luxury Handbag reception and a Sharon Bush fund-raiser for whatever.

Can’t make this up

Madison Avenue. Tuesday. FedEx truck. Delivering supplies. An officer — seeing this hardworking driver doing his job — did the only intelligent thing. The cop, who was wearing a surgical mask, wrote the FedEx driver a ticket for being double-parked. I can’t even believe it. Watching was an American, born on a small Greek isle, who had earlier told her kid, who lived in their East Side apartment, to use a big green leaf in the john just like she did when growing up.

Grocery still clucking

Stew Leonard’s groceteria is legendary. Ripley’s deemed it “The World’s Largest Dairy” and Fortune magazine listed as one of the “100 Best Companies to Work For.”

Martha Stewart’s in there longer than its mangos take to ripen. Into his Norwalk, Conn., store comes a housewife. With an overflowing cart. Schlepping bathroom paper? No, 20 chickens. She either has a huge family, or a healthy appetite.

Stew Leonard Jr.: “I felt like Colonel Sanders.”

A guy pasted this sign outside his door: “Whoever enters must bring a roll of toilet tissue.”

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.